Slacker's Eight Commandments

Maybe you’re a varsity athlete. Maybe you’re the president of a club. Maybe you spend more time at the Heights than you do in your dorm. Or maybe you’re just lazy. In any case, ending up on academic probation doesn’t exactly mesh with any of those pursuits. Here’s how to keep your parents happy—and maybe even make the dean’s list—while expending minimal effort in your classes.

1. If it sounds challenging, it is. In other words, a James Joyce seminar probably won’t be an easy A. Use common sense and avoid the GPA killers.

2. If it sounds easy, it (probably) is. How hard could a class called “Groups and Symmetry” be? It even fills a science requirement! Beware, though: Even if a class sounds like a cakewalk, you should still do your research. You might be in for a surprise when that cakewalk lands you a C.

3. Get to know your classmates. When you’ve missed half of the semester’s classes and you haven’t done any of the reading, cramming for the exam will be a lot easier if you have your buddies’ notes to mooch off.

4. Ask for extensions. They’re much easier to get than they were in high school. Many students (and professors) treat due dates as loose guidelines rather than hard deadlines. Take advantage!

5. Drink coffee. Energy drinks and some prescription drugs may work well too, but none have the romantic allure of coffee. If you plan to slack off, all-nighters are inevitable. And there’s no reason to fear them, especially with a moderate intake of joe. Many students do their best work at 4 a.m. the night before a big paper is due. We know of at least one student who wrote half of his senior thesis in one day.

6. Chew gum. You were up all night partying? Or even worse, you were up all night studying? To survive the next day’s lecture without drooling onto your etch-a-sketch notes, a few sticks of gum go a long way. Other ways to stay awake include a can of soda, the day’s Spectator, and especially the Sudoku.

7. Choose an easy major. Premed is not for slackers. The entire Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science is not for slackers. English? American studies? Now we’re talking. Even better: opt for concentrations instead of a major—administrators always seem to endorse that approach anyway.

8. Obey the rules. If you’re late more than three times to some classes, you get an absence. You’re only allowed so many absences. Even if it sounds like kindergarten, following a few petty rules will buffer your grade against other deductions—such as, you know, not doing any of the reading.